My heart aches...

Here are some sweet things I have found that have made me cry, made my heart hurt, but smile at the same time...

"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now, We'll never truly part."

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

For those of you that are wondering, I'm OK as I can be right now. My heart hurts more than I thought it would. I have cried many tears, but I do it alone. I feel for me that is the best way. Who knew you could miss someone so much when you never even met them. This was, this is my baby. As I sit here and bleed I wonder why, why MY baby. Why couldn't I see the smiles on this ones face like I have Ethan's. When will it not hurt so much to think about this little person I've never met. When can I just feel that joy of knowing for a week and a half that I was pregnant.

I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense to some of you and I hope and pray it never does. For those of you that know what I'm going through, I'm sorry! It's something no one should ever have to go through EVER! You always say "that can't happen to me". Well it did. OUCH. Yes it hurts like HELL. It hurts in my heart. It hurts when my son blows on my tummy. I think of this sibling he will never meet. Would they have been best friends. Would he have been the protective older brother? Will he wonder when he is older what he is missing out on? It hurts when I look into my husbands eyes and see the pain he has. I know it's hard for him too. Often times the dad is forgotten. It has to be just as hard for him...not physically, but he loves his son and I know he wanted this one just as badly. Becoming pregnant again was HIS idea. This was his dream as well. Pray for Andrew too.
I feel like I did know this child. I feel like this was a girl. I knew it from the beginning. I also knew from the beginning that something wasn't right. Was this God's way of preparing my heart? I think it was. He knew what he had planned. There was a reason for this. Do I know right now? Do I understand right now? No but I hope in time that I do.

So I leave with this thought....How long does it really take to mourn someone you never met?